Hello. How’s it all going? Glad to hear it (if its good). Have some chocolate (if its shitty). Anyway this post really is about me. I am not sure if this applies to any other Crohn’s suffers (if so please get in touch). And if there are any other Crohn’s suffers reading this, quick question. Do you guys talk to your disease as if it was a person? I do. This has nothing to do with what I want to talk about. Just curious.

So the blame game. I started thinking about this the other day. I have an almost crippling fear of progress. Anything that is unknown. It could be trying something new. It could be talking to someone about something important. All I know is that I don’t like it. A superficial smile and the illusion of progress will do me just fine. But it is not good. It is not healthy and it is detrimental to the disease.

Can I blame Crohn’s? Yes and no. The disease has not stopped me from doing anything that I have wanted to do in the grand scheme of things. Yes it has been a burden, and the signs of that are obvious. But it is also something more dangerous than a burden, it is a crutch. It is so easy to blame Crohn’s. And the more you blame it the easier it becomes. The fear of doing something new turns into apathy with the knowledge that I have an excuse. The comfort of this apathy turns into the fear of the unknown.

I have honestly just realised that I have this fear. It has affected so many parts of my personal and professional life that I feel that I have been stuck in limbo or purgatory for years now. But I am hoping this realisation brings a change. I am already trying to experience new things (like climbing and martial arts) and they have helped boost my confidence more that I could possibly explain. So now it is time to take this into my professional life. And more into my personal life too.

This post isn’t really meant for anyone but me. Writing helps make sense of my thoughts and subconscious. Plus autocorrect helps me sounding more smarter. Anyway lets pick a tune.

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