How many times do I need to apologise for being a rubbish blogger? That was a rhetorical question. Let us hope this is the last time. Sorry. I know I have been off the radar for quite a while now. To put it simply, I have not been doing too good. My health has taken a bit more of a downward spiral. I actually had to remind myself of my last post. How terrible is that? Again rhetorical. Last time we spoke my skin was really quite bad. everything was inflamed and I was pretty miserable. My stomach and back on the other hand was fine. I pretty much blamed it on the Humera but to be honest I don’t really know what caused it. What I do know is that since my skin has recovered, my back and stomach have worsened.

Started with the back thing. Massive pains in my right hip. I wasn’t really quite sure what was going on but stupidly I just sort of ignored it. I stopped training and that made it worse I think. My training was really helping me get my head sorted more than anything and I was under quite a lot of stress. It just seems to follow me around. Anywhos, after a couple of months of not being able to walk properly and having to resort to crutches, I finally got an MRI scan. Not to mention a few trips to A&E. Turns out I have worn down a massive portion of the cartilage in my hip. Let me put it simply and mathematically. Hip – Cartilage = PAIN. Savage pain.

While all this was going on, as I mentioned before I have been under quite massive stress. All this compounded did not help my stomach. After about a year of being symptom free, I felt those old pains again and ended up losing about a stone in a couple of weeks. I did not help myself in the slightest though. The reason for which is the topic that I actually want to write this post about. Positivity bordering delusion.

I have over the past couple months (and who knows, maybe even years) buried my head in the sand. That same old mantra ‘I’ll be fine…I’ll be fine’ just replaying in my head. Then something else will happen and I will feel worse and I will keep chanting. But that doesn’t always help. Yes there is huge power in positive thinking but it is pointless relying on those thoughts alone. I felt like if I keep chanting it, then the universe may reward me. The universe however, is cruelly indifferent. That is not me being pessimistic, that is just me being a realist.

It is realistic, for example, for me to say ‘Actually no, I am not good!’. I feel rubbish. My bones hurt. I find it hard to walk. My stomach hurts. My head is a wreck. These are just facts about how I am. But when I am honest with myself about the truth of my situation, then I can take proactive steps in solving these problems. So again for the record guys, no, I am not good…BUT…I will be. That is where the positivity kicks in. For the last few years, I have felt like I am trying to climb up a mountain with a waterfall falling on top of me. Right now I still can’t see the top and am getting very tired. But there is no point in stopping because I am just going to fall. I need to be realistic about my situation and goals, and be positive about achieving them.

I’m tired now but I am not finished. I have more rantings to post and will be doing those soon. In the meantime, I have again drastically changed my diet. I actually went to see a nutritionist who is helping me on a more holistic level. High protein diet, easily digestible foods and loads of suppliments. Over the next few weeks, I will be doing some research on these suppliments and reporting what I am finding. So far this whole process has proven to be really interesting. I went to see my trainer and will be fighting again soon enough. All in all I know I am not great now and not where I want to be, but I believe that I can get where I want to be if I focus and work to that effect.

So that is my first post again in ages. Still loads more I want to discuss and would like people to get in contact to discuss some of the things I have talked about. I will be posting again very soon. In the meantime, I am sticking on a tune my brother sent me that I have been in love with for the past couple of days. Peace.